Raising Children with Grateful Hearts

Not so long ago, I had one of those embarrassing-mommy moments that almost did me in. You know, the situation that makes you feel like a complete failure as a mother: Your child hits a kid on the playground (in front of the kid’s mother, of course), throws a temper tantrum at the grocery store and has to be carried out kicking and screaming, or — God forbid — picks his nose and wipes it on the floor … one of those situations.  EMBARRASSING!

We were celebrating my son’s 11th birthday with a special birthday dinner at his grandparents’ house. It’s an annual event and one I normally prepare for with great ardor. I have always considered birthday dinners at the grandparents’ home a true test of my parenting skills. Your child’s behavior on these occasions is not only a measure of his maturity and burgeoning social graces, it’s a reflection of you, the mother, and I always want to look my best!  

But this year, I admit, I slacked off. I hadn’t bothered with my usual pre-gift-opening lecture about manners and saying thank you and all the usual gratitude reminders I normally give my kids before celebratory events. After all, he is 11 years old now, a terrific kid, and I’ve been preaching the same story since he was 3. I was confident I had nothing to worry about.

Dinner went off without a hitch. Napkins were placed in laps, utensils were used appropriately, dinner conversation was of a suitable nature, and children remained in their seats until granddad finished his last bite of steak. I was looking good so far! The gift opening started out well. The birthday boy was genuinely excited about the video game, the basketball and the Lego set. He even showed enthusiasm for the collared shirt I had added to his wish list. I smiled with pride. All my hard work was really paying off.  When the last package was unwrapped, he hugged his grandparents and asked with an innocent smile, “Is there anything else?”  

No, no, no!

All my prideful thoughts dashed with one ungrateful remark:

“Is there anything else?”

An innocuous comment when made by a sales clerk at a department store, but when it comes from your child and follows a round of gift-opening from his grandparents, there is only one word to describe it: ungrateful. A comment ranking right up there with “Is that all?”

Over the years, my children have pretty much said it all: “I already have one of those.”  “Are you sure this is for me?”  “That’s not what I really wanted.” And the king of all insults when opening a gift from a grandparent: “Grandma Sadie gave me that last year.” 

“Where did I go wrong?” I complained to my husband that night.

“You haven’t done anything wrong,” he assured me. “But being grateful isn’t something they can memorize and spit out at the right time. Being grateful is something they have to experience. It comes from the heart.”

As parents, we teach manners with the same intensity we use for potty training. It’s a non-negotiable life skill every child must learn to be successful in this world. Please. Thank you. Yes ma’am. No sir. We drill it into their heads like math facts. But how do we train their hearts to be truly thankful for what they receive?

The honest truth is we live in a country of wealth and entitlement.  My children have never wanted for food or clothing or any basic need. The most deprivation my kids have experienced is being forced to wait until their birthday or Christmas to get something they want. So what can we do to make sure our children learn to appreciate what they have? How do we create in their hearts an attitude of gratitude?

Rather than continuing with my etiquette drills, I decided to approach this matter from a different angle. I began training their hearts instead of their heads, exposing them to people and situations from which I had previously attempted to shield them. I determined that if I could help instill in them an understanding of what it is like to do without, to work hard for something that they really want, then they would naturally come to appreciate what they have and what they receive. Here are some of the heart-training exercises we embarked on:

1. Visit a homeless shelter. Both of my children have now spent time at the homeless shelter Haven for Hope and have a new understanding about the plight of homeless people in our community. They also understand that a homeless person isn’t always an old man living under a bridge. There are young children and entire families who are homeless, and each one’s circumstance is different. My children have seen firsthand that every kid their age does NOT have a Nintendo to play or even a house to live in.

2. Volunteer in a soup kitchen. One Sunday a month, families from our church volunteer to feed the homeless a hot meal. The children fill water glasses, pass out bread, hand out plates and utensils and talk to the people who come through the line.  Nervous at first, my children have learned so much from the experience about what it is like to do without and what people like us, who have more than we need, can do to help those less fortunate.

3. Organize a clothing drive. After feeding the homeless one chilly Sunday in December, a friend’s child approached her about some of the homeless people needing coats. They began an e-mail coat drive, gathering warm coats to be taken to the shelters. We jumped on the bandwagon and gathered outgrown and gently worn coats from our closet and those of our neighbors. There isn’t a better way to teach a life lesson than for a child to see a need and do something about it.

4. Buy gifts for the needy at holidays. For the past two years, my kids have each adopted a needy child at Christmas from one of the local orphanages. We know only the child’s first name, sex and age. My kids do chores around the house to earn money to do their shopping. They pick out a book, pajamas, two toys and a lovely blanket for each child. Then they wrap the gifts, and we deliver them to the orphanage to be opened on Christmas Day. This year, when we made our delivery, we also took cookies and games to play with the children in the emergency shelter. It made a huge impact on my kids. They had many questions when we left. Good questions. I knew they were learning. 

An attitude of gratitude isn’t something that can be created overnight or drummed into a child’s head by a relentless mom. It is something they learn through experience. It is something they witness in a parent’s actions and want to imitate. Let’s face it — kids will be kids. Those embarrassing mommy moments will always be there. But if we train our children’s hearts to be grateful, then their mouths will surely follow!