HOLIDAY
ETIQUETTE
TIPS
Knowing the rules helps to keep the season jolly and bright

By DIANE GOTTSMAN

Most of us tend to kick into high gear when faced with a mental inventory of everything we still need to do as the holidays fast approach.

If you are like me, you have purchased things for people throughout the year. I just don’t remember where they are and for whom they were purchased. When the first invitation arrives in the mail, I go into panic mode knowing that someone is ahead of my holiday curve. I am decorated for seasons no less than a month and a half before they officially arrive. Our Thanksgiving dinner decorations normally consist of Pilgrims, turkeys, snowmen and candy canes.

The holidays should be enjoyable, and knowing the rules makes everything go a little more smoothly. In that regard, I felt a little holiday primer with all of the pertinent etiquette dilemmas would be both timely and useful.

SENDING OUT HOLIDAY GREETINGS
Whether you sign them yourself or have them imprinted with your name, you should include a short handwritten note in each card. A handwritten envelope is much more appropriate than an impersonal computer label. Make sure to double-check your spelling. There’s nothing worse than receiving a card at any time of the year from someone who misspells your name.

If you choose to have your cards imprinted professionally, the wife’s name is printed first. When signing your name to a card for a relative or close friend, your first name is all that is necessary. Always be sure to write your full name on the return address, just in case. If you are signing a card as one half of a couple, sign your name last. When signing the card from your entire family, start with dad, mom and then the names of the children. If you are mailing your holiday cards overseas, allow at least two to three weeks for delivery.

INVITATIONS AND THE DREADED FOUR-LETTER WORD
This is where it all begins. The invitation sets the tone for what the partygoers can expect. The “who, what, where and when” should be clearly stated. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve received invitations from people who use only their first name on the card. “Let’s meet at Sharon’s house and celebrate the season.” “Sharon who?” And “where’s her house?”

The invitation should also clearly specify what type of dress is expected. “Holiday chic” means what? “Texas festive” is worse. “Mistletoe Merry” wins the prize! Use the term black-tie or formal, semi-formal, cocktail or casual. Show respect by making it clear what your guests can expect when they arrive.

You’ve heard it before. When an invitation requests an RSVP, it is rude to ignore the request for response. Some people treat an RSVP like a four-letter word, when in fact it is a courtesy for our benefit. A proper RSVP ensures the host has planned for enough food, beverages and table space.

It is best to reply within one week. Any longer and it looks like you are shopping your options (which you probably are!)

MANDATORY FUN — THE OFFICE PARTY
Some people love them, some people dread them, but regardless of how you might feel, office parties are a necessary part of the holiday season. This is a time to socialize with colleagues, clients and your boss outside of the office setting.

Although you are out of the office, you are still working. This is not the time to “let your hair down.” Your job is to “sing for your supper.” That includes mingling with those you don’t know or have not seen in a while. A good guest not only talks to those she knows but also to new and less familiar guests.

Learn the guest list in advance and decide whom you will get to know better. Brief your spouse or date on the fact that you will be “working the room.” As your escort, he should be prepared to do the same. Conversation should focus on positives such as good books, good movies and good restaurants. Stay away from subjects like death, divorce, diets, your poor health or how much something costs. Ask questions and let the other person talk 60 percent of the time. Using the other person’s name in conversation shows you are interested and present in the conversation. Don’t monopolize their time. Talk for about 5 to 7 minutes, close the conversation, and move on. Think of conversation as a dance in which you are waltzing your way around the dance floor.

Regardless of how festive you may feel, the office party is not a time to set up camp at the bar. Show the same professionalism at the party you would show in the corridors of your office. If you are bringing an escort, make sure you know him well enough to trust he won’t embarrass you after a glass of holiday cheer. Better yet, stick to the eggnog — unaltered.

HOLIDAY HOUSEGUESTS’ RULES
You can’t control anyone else, but you can be a stellar houseguest. Two words say it all: Don’t impose. Arrive when you say you will, leave on your committed day of departure, and don’t bring your pets unless they are invited. Show up at the door with a small hostess gift, and depart leaving behind good memories. That means not expecting your host to be your personal travel guide or monopolizing the use of his car.

Don’t correct your hosts’ children (unless their actions are life-threatening) or impose your own parental views unless you are asked your opinion. Wake up when they do, and make sure to take them out for dinner at least once. Keep the guest room and guest bath clean, and don’t insist on a special diet unless you offer to go to the grocery store, buy the food, prepare it and clean up afterwards. In other words, fit into their house rules and family routine.

WEARY-TRAVELER ETIQUETTE
If you have ever traveled over a holiday week, you will notice that there is an extra burst of energy, enthusiasm and anxiety leading up to the trip. Airline travel can turn chaotic when mixed with late or cancelled flights, tired travelers and toddlers who have missed several naps.

Prepare in advance for security. Don’t act surprised when the security guard asks you to remove your 15-pound silver belt. What were you thinking? Grumbling about the inconvenience just makes you look worse. You know the drill, so plan for it.

Board the plane only when you are called. What good does it do to hover over the first set of passengers like a pack of hungry wolves? When you finally get on the plane, step into your seat row while you are taking off your jacket, deciding whether to pack it or stow it above. This is not the time to unpack your overstuffed carry-on, looking for your specially prepared bag of low-fat snack mix. Blocking the aisle for an extended period of time is grounds for exasperated looks from fellow flyers. Turn your cell phone off, sit back, and enjoy the flight.

BUFFET TABLE ETIQUETTE
Have you ever noticed how confident, refined women can turn into raging animals at the sight of a buffet table? Hearts start pounding throughout the room in fear there will not be any shrimp or roast beef left when it’s our turn. (I speak from experience.) We often pile so much food on our plate that we are compelled to stretch the truth and suggest that we are getting the extra dessert and rolls for our husband or child.

Here are a few buffet tips to review:
• Start at the correct side of the table; otherwise you will appear like a fish swimming upstream. Go with the flow, and don’t jump out of line,lunging forward to get the last piece of olive bread.

• Serve yourself in moderation. You may always return for seconds after everyone has gone through the line.

• Carry one plate at a time. Never carry a drink in one hand while trying to balance your plate in the other. Take your drink to the table and come back.

• Don’t nibble from your plate (or the buffet table), while still in line. Remember, even at a dining affair, you are not there to eat. You are there to present a demeanor that will encourage your host to invite you again.

Speaking of a positive impression, it is always gracious, when invited to someone’s home, to bring a hostess gift. Stay away from flowers unless you bring them in a vase or send them ahead of time. If you bring wine, do not expect your host to open it the night of the event. Stationery, chocolate and candles are gifts that don’t appear to be overly gratuitous.

When attending an office party at the boss’s home, a hostess gift for the wife (or boss) is appropriate. When the event is held at a restaurant or club, your gift is to make your boss look good. Mingle, talk to clients, put your best foot forward, and spread good will. You are the ambassador of his/her company, and building good relationships is the best gift an employer could ask for.

GIFT-GIVING ETIQUETTE
Gift-giving in the workplace is different from social gift-giving, and for the sake of space we will concentrate on social gift-giving. A gift represents a gesture of friendship, love, kindness, respect and sometimes obligation. A quick lastminute gift, with no meaning, can be spotted a mile away. The old adage “It’s the thought that counts” is very true. The gift of giving should feel equally as good as the gift of receiving. A beautiful presentation is a sign that you made the extra effort. Your budget should be taken into consideration. You don’t have to spend an enormous amount of money to let someone know you put thought into gesture.

When receiving a gift from a friend or family member, don’t joke or tease when the gift is presented to you by saying something silly like “Is it ticking?” Comments like this take the joy out of the giving ceremony. They are also an indicator that you are uncomfortable. If you don’t have a gift in return, let it go. When you say, “Oh my gosh, I haven’t gotten your gift yet,” it sounds insincere. A genuine “thank you” is all that is necessary. You can always do something special for them after the season so your gift doesn’t look like an afterthought.

You may also consider keeping on hand some wrapped generic gifts with the tags already attached. Use these when someone unexpected shows up bearing good tidings. Quickly and easily write their name on the tag, and dodge an uncomfortable situation.

THANK-YOU NOTES
After the big day, gifts are strewn all over your house, and you have enough wadded-up wrapping paper to fill a room. Holiday dinner is over, and the last thing you want to think about is one more chore. Somehow, the thought of writing thank-you notes is equated with a root canal without Novocain.

We all love opening presents, but the ceremony is not over until the thank-you notes are written. Set aside an hour the next day and get started. It is the best way to let gift givers know you received their gifts and appreciate their thought and effort.

For toddlers through 5 year-olds, you may write the bulk of the message but make sure they sign their name. Sixyear- olds are still a little shaky, but by the age of 7, they should be able to write a brief thank-you note and can use a picture as “filler” space. By the age of 8 they should be independent with a little help from you. The point is, write.

TIPPING —“TO INSURE PROMPT SERVICE”
The holiday season is a good time to thank those who have provided special service to you throughout the year and let them know you are pleased with the job. Accompany the tip with a handwritten note expressing your thanks.

Tips vary based on frequency of theservice, the region in which you live, the relationship you have with the provider and your personal budget. The following is merely a guide to assist you. Use common sense and budget savvy to help you make the final determination.

Hair stylist — Anywhere from $20 to $100.
Personal trainer — The equivalent of one session.
Housekeeper (once a week) — One day’s pay.
Housekeeper (weekly) — One week’s pay (and a thoughtful gift if she has been with you a long time).
Nanny — One week’s pay and a nice gift from the children.
Pool cleaner — The equivalent of one week’s cleaning service.
Manicurist — The equivalent of one visit.
Postman — Government regulations are strict and allow mail carriers to accept gifts only up to $20.
Newspaper delivery — $5 to $10 (unless the paper is always late!)
Children’s teacher — I took a survey here. The consensus is that teachers love gift certificates. The room parent can have the teacher fill out a little card early in the year with information about her/his “favorite” coffee shop, mall, bookstore etc. Of course, personal gifts from the children are special and should not be overlooked. We want our teachers to be acknowledged for their hard work by parents and children alike.
Teacher’s aide — Gift certificates are appreciated, along with a thoughtful gift from the student.

WHEW, IS THE HOLIDAY OVER YET?
Not losing sight of the real reason we celebrate holidays is the most important etiquette tip: letting your kids make their own holiday cards with glitter covering every part of their body and your floor, hand- delivering gifts to a nursing home, spending time with family, sharing a quiet cup of tea with friends, delivering meals to the homebound, enjoying old traditions and starting new ones.

Knowing what to do and how to act in certain social situations by making others comfortable to be around you is simply icing on the frosted holiday cake.

Happy holidays.

Diane Gottsman is director of the Protocol School of Texas and appears regularly on San Antonio Living on WOAI-TV.