THE PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP
Wise parents don’t
put children first

By ROSEMARY J. STAUBER

One of the things I value about my job in writing the Family Issues column for SAN ANTONIO WOMAN every two months is the research opportunities it affords me. The deadline provides the discipline, and my commitment to research each topic provides the motivation. They combine to increase my knowledge base. The current article has brought me several new learnings and put me in touch with several old ones.

Many families of today seem to think that putting the children first is the way to go in a family. This will help the children have high self-esteem and succeed in the world, they say. In too many families, the mother seems to be spending more time and energy on the children than on her primary relationship. Some men do this as well, though women are more likely to do it.

The March/April 2007 issue of SAN ANTONIO WOMAN published an article of mine titled More about Gender Differences. I cited Brizendine’s book, The Female Brain. She talked about the hormones that bond us mothers to our children — oxytocin, prolactin, estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. In the absence of a strong marital relationship, these hormones can play an important role in the process that puts the mother with the children and the father to one side.

I believe, and the science of psychology supports me in this belief, that building and maintaining a healthy primary relationship is the way to go. And before that, developing a strong sense of self and learning who we are as individuals must come first. The hierarchy, then, is self, couple, children.

On the Internet, I found a synopsis of a study that was done at the University of California, Berkeley. Done by Philip A. Cowan, it was titled How the quality of the couple relationship affects the children.

He concluded:
”The quality of the couple relationship plays a central role in the life of a family, whether the parents are living together, married, separated or divorced. Therefore the relationship between the parents plays a central role in the academic and social development of the child. If we want to improve children’s lives, the goal is not to get parents married and keep them married, but to help them have a more effective relationship as a couple and a more collaborative relationship around the raising of their child.”

A project in Alabama (they have had the highest dating abuse rate among teens in the United States) is teaching adolescents how to have a mature relationship. It’s working in that the abuse rate has fallen significantly. The curriculum for the project includes:
• Maturity issues, what I value
• Attractions and infatuations
• First relationships — their joys and doubts
• What’s love? Three sides of mature love (passion, intimacy and commitment)
• Principles of smart dating
• Low-risk dating strategy — how to “really” get to know someone
• Relationship decisions and breaking up
• Committed relationships and marriage
• Communication patterns and conflict
• Forgiveness and finances
• Wrap-up and evaluation

Would that we had all been exposed to such a course prior to marriage.

And the question is this: How can people in existing marriages learn the same valuable lessons? For this article, I have been reading Dr. Robin Smith’s book, Lies at the Altar: The Truth about Great Marriages. (Hyperion, New York, 2006.) I am impressed with it. Several questionnaires are a valuable inclusion in this book. There are no right or wrong answers. The questionnaires are about values of various kinds (resilience, financial attitudes, money values and secrets, sexual beliefs, health attitudes, extended families, etc.) — a way to look objectively at yourself and your partner and create intimacy as you learn how you are similar and different.

Robin Smith frequently talks about “showing up as a grown-up in a relationship” — in her book and in her XM satellite radio program, as well. Some of my clients and I have been creating our own list of indicators that one is showing up as a grown-up. Our list follows:
1. You take responsibility to see to it that your own needs are met: emotional, physical (including scheduling your own appointments, etc., taking your own medications, getting your rest, time for yourself), financial, etc.

2. You can delay gratification.

3. You can accept your partner as s/he is, warts and all. Some flaws are not acceptable (physical/emotional abuse, substance abuse, financial irresponsibility and recurrent infidelity), and in that case you make a decision to move on.

4. Give the other person space to do what is important to him/her — work, family of origin, etc.

5. Be a part of making the change that puts women in the CEO position at home. If you are a man, you do so by taking responsibility for your share of the household chores and seeing to it that your kids do their share as well. If you are a woman, you do so by guarding against the tendency to “do it all.”

6. You pay consequences for wrong decisions without blaming someone else.

7. You make a decision to trust your partner and work on accumulating the evidence that the partner is trustworthy.

8. You make the choice, along with your partner, to make your relationship primary and your children and family of origin second.

This list is a work in progress. I would appreciate suggestions and feedback. If you are moved to contribute, please send your ideas to rjstauber@thewellnessweb.com.

Rosemary J. Stauber, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in San Antonio and founding director of the Bexar County Women’s Center.