DINING SKILLS
BOOT CAMP
The basics you should know
to avert social disasters

By DIANE GOTTSMAN

There is nothing more uncomfortable than sitting across the table from someone you are trying to impress and not
knowing what fork to use or, as a guest, wondering which part of the menu you should order from.

Would you know when to make a toast or what to do if you found yourself with a huge piece of gristle in your mouth?

Years ago, as a novice fund-raiser, I sat between two VIPs
from separate corporations. One was drinking my water, and the other was eating from my bread plate. I had many options — none of them good. Should I drink from the next person’s water glass? Should I skip the bread basket? Should I tell them? What a dilemma!

How we handle uncomfortable situations is what sets us apart. Following are some guidelines to help you avert your own dining disasters:

1. Wait for your host. Don’t touch anything on the table until your host begins. This gives her/him the opportunity to propose a welcome toast if she/he intends to do so.

2. Your bread plate is always on your left, and your glass is always on your right. There are no alternate rules.

3. Never refuse to toast because you do not “drink.” A toast does not have to include liquor. Water, tea or any beverage will do. Remember, a toast is a gesture of respect, not a ceremony to quench your thirst.

4. When drinking to a toast, don’t feel it necessary, or become offended, if you do not clink or are not clinked by someone else. The protocol is raising your glass towards the center, simulating a clink. Clink and break a fine crystal glass at someone’s home and see how quickly you are invited back!

5. Butter your bread over your bread plate. Tear off one piece of bread at a time and butter it – not in midair or on the way to your mouth. Never hold your bread in one hand while drinking your tea in another.

6. Finesse your napkin with aplomb. Dab around your mouth rather than swabbing your entire face. Do not treat the napkin as if it is a foreign object, holding it as if it will tear or break. In other words, keep your pinkie down.

7. If you must leave the table, quietly say, “Excuse me,” place your napkin on your chair, push your chair in, and walk away. Do not announce where you are going. At the end of the meal, the napkin is placed on the left side of the plate or center of the place setting if the dinner/dessert plate has been removed.

8. If your soup is too hot to eat, be patient. Don’t blow on it or place ice cubes in it to cool it down faster. If it is too late and you find yourself with a scalding teaspoon of hot liquid in your mouth, quickly take a drink of cold water. This is a much better option than spitting it back into the soup bowl.

9. When cutting your food, keep your elbows down and close to your side. Otherwise, you look like you are trying to row a boat upstream and may bump into your seatmate. Cut only one piece of meat at a time, gliding the knife behind the fork, not in front of the fork. The only exception is if you are dining with your 3-year-old child and must cut up his/her meat and veggies.

10. Pass food counterclockwise. Please use your best judgment here. If you are at a large table and the person directly to your left asks for the butter, it is not necessary to follow the counterclockwise rule.

11. Salt and pepper are married. If someone asks for the salt, no need to give an etiquette tutorial, simply smile and pass both. It will keep you from having to pass the pepper 30 seconds later.

12. Make conversation with guests on both your left and right. At large events, refrain from yelling across the table to get another guest’s attention. As a matter of fact, refrain from yelling at the dinner table at all.

13. When you see people you know at a restaurant, don’t feel it is your obligation to walk over and say “hello.” Acknowledge them with a smile and a wave and call them at home or the office later. They will appreciate the small kindness, as there is a good chance they don’t remember your name, or they don’t want to have to stop eating and introduce you to their guests.

14. Please, oh please, turn your cell phone off or at least change the tone to vibrate. Nothing is more annoying than a ringing cell phone, and this simple courtesy will be greatly appreciated by fellow diners.

15. If you absolutely must take a call, excuse yourself and leave the table.

16. If you invite, you pay and you tip. Period. As a guest, don’t fight over the check as if you have just won the lottery and are wrestling for the winning ticket. As the host or guest, if an unattractive tug of war is about to ensue, simply let go and say a gracious “thank you.” A fistfight over paying the bill is never a pleasant way to end a good meal.

17. At a business lunch or dinner, do not split, share or ask for a doggie bag.

18. If you are not interested in after dinner coffee, do not turn the cup upside down to signal “no thank you” to the waiter. Simply motion to the waiter that you are not interested by placing your hand above (not on) the coffee cup when he offers.

19. Pace yourself. You never want to be the first to finish or the last one that everyone else is waiting on impatiently.

20. After the meal, don’t push your plate away from your midsection and make any “full” comments such as “I’m stuffed,” “I could just pop,” or “Ugh, I feel sick I ate so much.” A better alternative is “The food was delicious.”

A final note: At a business event, you are not there to eat. If you arrive ravenous, you will lose credibility when you are spotted at the buffet table, diving into the shrimp bowl headfirst. Be sure to have a light snack before you arrive so you can pay attention to your fellow guests.

And never, ever consider a toothpick a fashion staple. If you must use a stick to remove objects from your teeth, do so privately and out of plain sight of your best client.

Diane Gottsman is director of the Protocol School of Texas and appears regularly on San Antonio Living on WOAI-TV.

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