FIRST DAY
JITTERS
Classroom etiquette rules
for parents and teachers

By Diane Gottsman

The scenario is the same across the city. Tightly held hands, new haircut, tense-lipped smiles acknowledging familiar faces after a brief summer vacation, starting the year with a new teacher and waving goodbye, crying alligator tears at the classroom door. And that is only the moms and dads!

The smell of new crayons and orange-scented antibacterial spray sends me into a mild panic, knowing that my children are growing up and eventually away. Today kindergarten and tomorrow an "empty nest."

In my own home, I have mentally prepared for this day for the past two months. Major decisions have already been made — answers to such weighty questions as what is the hottest lunch box this year? (Do kids still take lunch boxes?) Velcro or lace-up tennis shoes? Video or still picture of the children in front of their new classroom? A small token gift for the new teacher or a year’s supply of Kleenex?

It’s a parent’s primary job to worry (micromanage) every aspect of their child’s life, but occasionally we need a little fine-tuning of our own. With children settling into their new classroom environment, parents play a huge part in how a child views his first (or 12th) school year experience. Inadvertently, we may influence our child’s behavior by the way we act and react in regard to many elements, the most important being the teacher.

In a perfect world, parents and teachers work together as a team to improve the learning environment and encourage children to flourish. The reality is we could all probably benefit from a few reminders and some basic classroom rules of etiquette. It’s a good time to start the year off on the right foot.

For Parents:
Rule No. 1 — After saying goodbye to your child at his/her classroom, please leave. A crying child will stop crying about 14 seconds after mom leaves the room. It is difficult for a teacher to take control with a worried mother hovering in the background. Multiply that by 15 moms, and the teacher has a nightmare on her hands. And avoid having a conversation with other moms outside the classroom door, in plain sight of the weepy child.

Rule No. 2 — Morning drop-off time is not the time for an impromptu conference. If there is a question or concern, schedule a time when you can visit the teacher or call and request a meeting.

Rule No. 3 — Don’t arrive at the classroom early and expect to drop off your child or have him/her "play" in the classroom. This is last-minute preparation time for teachers before the school day begins.

Rule No. 4 — Check your child’s book bag daily. This is the best way to keep up with special events, extracurricular activities and picture day.

Rule No. 5 — Hold your tongue. A gossipy parent is not a respected parent. If you have a concern, go through the right channels. Complaining in the corridor to anyone who will listen is inappropriate. Usually this type of parent finds other like-minded parents. Not a good combination!

Rule No. 6 — Model respect. It does not send the right message to a child to hear his/her parents discrediting a teacher, the school or other classmates.

Rule No. 7 — Be open-minded. If the teacher sends a note home saying that your child bit someone, don’t automatically assume that "the teacher was not watching and therefore not doing her job." Talk with your child and follow up with the teacher. You may be surprised at what you find out.

Rule No. 8 — Schedule vacation time during vacation time. Taking a vacation during the third week of school may hinder your child’s classroom routine.

Rule No. 9 — Use the mail service for birthday invitations. This is a stress-free way of making sure the invitations get home.

Rule No. 10 — Don’t invite the teacher to birthday celebrations. I realize that at first glance this sounds rude. However, I have been asked by many teachers to broach this subject in a delicate way. It doesn’t apply to all teachers, but for many it has become a difficult situation. Teachers spend a great deal of time in the classroom and relish the time they have with their own friends and family.

Rule No. 11 — Observe the snack policy. Respect the request of the teacher. She knows the classroom, as a whole. If she asks for "no strawberries or peanut butter," it is highly likely there is a child with an allergy or adverse food reaction in class. Avoid the urge to bring it anyway, because "your son likes it and you’re sure others will enjoy it as well."

Rule No. 12 — Learn to say, "I’m sorry." If a situation warrants an apology, make it timely and sincere.

For teachers:
Rule No. 1 — Make your message clear. Keep parents informed through a class newsletter, e-mail, phone call or whatever works best for you. Parents want to be involved in the class party or field trip, and some advance notice would be greatly appreciated.

Rule No. 2 — Ask questions and learn important facts about the children. Eventually learning each child’s likes, dislikes, favorite color and pet, difficulties and allergies is an indicator to parents that you care.

Rule No. 3 — Speak plain English (or Spanish or the native tongue of the classroom). Parents are more comfortable with everyday language than with educational jargon that can come across as cold and insincere.

Rule No. 4 — Refrain from judgment. Despite individual family situations or the educational background of the parent(s), they should feel comfortable communicating their needs and concerns.

Rule No. 5 — Bite your tongue. Don’t use the teacher’s lounge as a setting to air a grievance against a child or parent.

Rule No. 6 — Be flexible. Many parents work, and classroom conferences should accommodate a working parent’s schedule.

Rule No. 7 — Don’t keep a parent hanging. If you require a special conference, make reference to what the meeting will be about. Many parents have had sleepless nights when all that was on the conference docket was an update on fine motor skills.

Rule No. 8 — Don’t listen to prior "labels." Form your opinion of each child based on what you see, not what you may have heard.

Rule No. 9 — Be a good listener. Sometimes parents may need to vent, and all that is necessary is a good ear.

Rule No. 10 — Make suggestions. Parents are usually eager to help their children excel, and you are trained to suggest some important tips and learning tools that are pertinent and specific to each child.

Rule No. 11 — Keep promises. If you promise to follow up with a parent regarding a situation a parent brought to your attention, do so in an expedient fashion. If an immediate answer is not available, contact the parents to update them and give them an approximate follow-up time.

Rule No. 12 — Learn to say, "I’m sorry." If a situation warrants an apology, make it timely and sincere.

Parents are children’s primary role models, and teachers are often our children’s first role models outside of the family. Children spend most of the day with their teachers and long for their teacher’s approval. A strong parent-teacher relationship can be a good opportunity to show a child how responsible adults behave. Rearing our children to respect authority is a lifelong lesson that will serve them well in their adult life.

Diane Gottsman is director of the Protocol School of Texas and appears regularly on San Antonio Living on WOAI-TV.