WEDDING ETIQUETTE
Avoid hurt feelings and faux pas by observing the rules

By Diane Gottsman

Something old, something new, something borrowed,” something purple, yellow or what was that color again? Weddings are a time of expectations and joy. They are also a breeding ground for hurt feelings and social faux pas.

There are so many traditions related to the wedding ceremony, and trying to remember every little detail can be a daunting experience. A brief primer in wedding etiquette may stave off a potential etiquette disaster. Following is a simple list of the “basics”:

Who pays?

The following is a general outline, although the rules are flexible.

The groom:
• The bride’s wedding ring
• Groomsmen’s gifts
• Ushers’ gifts
• Groomsmen’s boutonnieres
• Marriages license
• Bride’s wedding bouquet
• Both mothers’ corsages
• Clergy costs
• Limousine service
• Gloves/ties/ascots for attendants
• The honeymoon

The groom’s family:
• The rehearsal dinner
• The groom’s cake

The bride:
• The groom’s wedding ring
• Bridesmaids’ gifts
• Bridesmaids’ luncheon or tea

The bride’s family:
• Wedding dress, veil and accessories
• Bridesmaids’ bouquets
• Grandmothers’ and “special family”
corsages
• Wedding cake
• Band or DJ
• Flowers for the ceremony and
the reception
• Rented items for the reception
• Invitations
• Wedding programs/church fees/
musicians at the wedding
• Catering and cleanup
• Photographer/video
• Rice/rose petals/doves/butterflies or
any festive item used to “send off”
the happy couple

Traditionally, the bride’s family has been responsible for most of the costs associated with the wedding, but it is more and more common for the bride and groom to pay for their own wedding, and for the groom’s parents to be more financially involved.

Role of the mothers
“Mom” plays a key role in the wedding and wedding plans. It is generally up to the groom’s mother to host a dinner or social gathering so the families can meet and become familiar. If proximity is an issue, the groom’s mother should send a note welcoming her son’s fiancée to the family. Another heartfelt note should be extended to the bride’s parents.

The mother of the groom will work with the bride and bride’s mother on the guest list, accommodations for out-of-town guests and timing of the wedding day events. The main responsibility of the groom’s mother, however, is to host a rehearsal dinner.

What are the rules? The No. 1 rule is that there are none. It can be as intimate as immediate family members to as grand as a large event with out-of-town guests. If the rehearsal dinner is going to include many people, send out invitations and request an RSVP. This ensures a somewhat accurate head count, if all guests use their best manners and RSVP in a timely fashion. (Good luck!)

Kids vs. no kids allowed
It may be the desire of the bride and groom to exclude children from their wedding and reception. When wording the invitation, refrain from “No children” and opt for a less offensive “Adults only.” Neither phrase warms the cockles of your heart, but the latter is more palatable.

Warning: You are asking for trouble if you invite some children and exclude others.

Shower basics
The primary function of a shower is to help the happy couple start their new life together. Members of the bride’s family should not host a shower, nor should the bride host a shower for herself. The exception to this rule is when your maid of honor is also a relative.

If you are a bridesmaid or mother of the bride or groom and have been invited to multiple showers, you are not obligated to bring a gift to each shower.

It is in poor taste to invite the same guests to every shower. Invite guests to the shower only if they are invited to the wedding. Never specify on a shower invitation “Money only.” Saturday afternoons are optimum for guest attendance. Wearing or using a gift before the wedding is not appropriate. If, goodness forbid, you must cancel your wedding, all gifts must be returned. It is perfectly acceptable for a bride who has been previously married to have a shower. Thank-you notes should be sent out promptly.

Role of the best man
His most important role is to get the groom to the church on time. Some other responsibilities include:
• Making sure the groom has the marriage license, tickets and passports with him
• Assisting the bride and groom in departing for their honeymoon
• Taking the money from the groom and privately paying the clergyman and limo driver
• Making sure the boutonnieres are handed out and put on correctly (stem down on left lapel)
• Making sure the ushers and groomsmen know their roles and positions
• Overseeing the directions of the ring bearer
• Arriving at the reception in advance to greet the newly married couple
• Acting as host at the wedding and reception
• Giving the first toast at the rehearsal dinner and wedding reception
• Signing the marriage certificate
• Making sure the groom’s tuxedo gets returned (if rented) or dry-cleaned

Role of the maid of honor
This position is usually someone very close to the bride’s heart. Some responsibilities include:
• Arranging a party for the bride and/or bride and groom
• Assisting with the invitations and keeping track of shower thank-you notes
• Taking care of the flower girl
• Going to all the pre-wedding functions
• Holding the bridal bouquet during the exchanging of rings
• Signing the marriage certificate
• Making sure the bride’s dress is taken to a previously chosedry cleaner

Who gets a tip?
It is standard for gratuities to be added to the final bill but is not uncommon for a server, who has spent an evening providing superior service, to be tipped 15 percent more for his or her attention to detail.
• Limousine diver — Generally a tip has already been added to the final bill, but an additional 15 percent is appropriate for superior service
• Florists, musicians, photographers — 15 percent
• Clergy, judge or justice of the peace — $100 plus
• Organist and musicians — $50 to $75, unless the cost was factored into the church rental fees

“Do I have to dance?”
Yes, it is a time-honored tradition and a nice way to show respect for your family. The bride and groom dance first as a special song is played in their honor. As the music continues, the father of the bride will cut in on the groom and dance with his daughter. The groom then asks the mother of the bride to dance.

The groom’s father then cuts in on the bride’s dance with her father and proceeds to dance with the bride. The bride’s father cuts in on the groom and dances with his own wife.

The groom asks his mother to dance. Soon after, the best man asks the bride to dance, and the groom dances with the maid of honor. Finally, the entire wedding party approaches the dance floor and begins to dance. When this takes place, other guests may now join in.

“Thank you” is not enough.
A verbal “thank you” does not take the place of a written gesture of thanks.Send out thank-you notes as soon as humanly possible. A rule of thumb is one week for shower gifts and two weeks upon returning home from the honeymoon for wedding gifts.

Preprinted notes are not appropriate. Mention the gift in the card and how you plan to use it. If you have received more than one gift from an individual, send individual thank-you cards for each gift.

And finally, a little tradition for the special day
Something Old — Wearing a piece of heirloom jewelry or your mother’s veil gives a feeling of sentimentality and continuity.

Something New — Most often this is the wedding gown. It is a symbol of the bride and groom’s “new beginning” together.

Something Borrowed — Borrowing something, perhaps a handkerchief or piece of jewelry, from a happily married friend or family member is a symbol of good luck.

Something Blue — Blue is the color of loyalty.

Tradition? Yes. Superstition? Maybe, but why take any extra chances on such an important day?

Diane Gottsman is director of the Protocol School of Texas and appears regularly on San Antonio Living on WOAI-TV.

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